Citizen Zero is still dumbfounded over the Lebanese system’s innovative methods to manage or ‘mismanage’ the country’s affairs. Due to the Zua’ma’s unquenchable thirst for power, the following steps were taken:
First: The Governement is expanded to include 30 Ministers, among them 7 state ministers without portfolios. Since the situation is a zero-sum game, the cake should be bigger even if it has to be cut into more and more slices.
Second: The Ministries were categorized as follows:
- Sovereign Ministries: Ministries of Interior, Defense, Finance, Foreign Affairs and Justice.
- Service Ministries: Ministries of Public Works, Telecommunications, Public Health, Education, Electricity and Water, Social Affairs, Labor and the Displaced.
- Other Superfluous Ministries: Ministries of Environment, Agriculture, Industry, Economy and Trade, Information, Tourism, Culture and Administrative Development.
However, these steps remained insufficient, because the demands are constantly growing and there is less and less cake left.
At this point, Citizen Zero stepped in to suggest snap solutions to resolve the current Cabinet formation crisis. He proposes that sovereign ministries should be divided into at least 21 ministries instead of 5. The Service and Superfluous Ministries are to be divided into 25 Ministries, maintaining 9 other ‘promising’ Ministries.
Sovereign ministries
Ministry of Interior:
Ministry of Motorcycles
Ministry of Bodyguards
Ministry of Vote-Buying Oversight
Ministry of Seatbelts
Ministry of Finance:
Ministry of Public Debt
Ministry of “Fixing” the Budget
Ministry of Exempting Solidere from Taxes
Ministry of the Protection of Banks’ Profits
Ministry of TVA
Ministry of Defense:
Ministry of Arms Licenses
Ministry of Soviet MIGs
Ministry of Iranian Weapons
Ministry of Welcoming U.S. Generals
Ministry of Foreign Affairs:
Ministry of Tracking Visits to Politicians by Ambassadors
Ministry of Welcoming Foreign Envoys
Ministry of Enticing Expatriates
Ministry of Justice:
Ministry of Jails
Ministry of Pending Verdicts
Ministry of Decades-old and Pending cases
Ministry of Amnesty for War Criminals
Service Ministries
Ministry of Public Health:
Ministry of Patients Waiting Outside Hospital Doors
Ministry of Drugs for Chronic Illnesses
Ministry of Exclusive Drug Agencies
Ministry of Social Affairs:
Ministry of Financial Aid for Religious NGOs
Ministry of Financial Aid for Political NGOs
Ministry of UNDP
Ministry of Telecommunications:
Ministry of Phone Tapping
Ministry of Telecom Privatization
Ministry of Illegal Telecommunications
Ministry of Labor:
Ministry of Arab Workers
Ministry of Foreign Workers
Ministry for the Defense of Employers’ Rights
Ministry of Multiplying Syndicates
Ministry of Electricity and Water:
Ministry of Power Generators
Ministry of Street Lighting
Ministry of Sewage Systems
Ministry of Contaminated Water
Ministry of Public Works:
Ministry of Road Accidents
Ministry of Sustained “Asphalting”
Ministry of Buttresses
Ministry of Education:
Ministry of Funding for Private Schools
Ministry of Teacher Transfers
Ministry of Empty Schools
Superfluous Ministries
Ministry of Environment
Ministry of Cement and Quarries
Ministry of “Correcting” Environmental Studies.
The Ministry of the Displaced can be rechristened Ministry of the Displacers.
Based on this simple calculation, Citizen Zero was able to ‘invent’ 46 Ministries, all sovereign and service-oriented, in addition to maintaining 9 other ‘promising’ ministries.
Jawad N. Adra
|
